Early Years.

I was born and raised in what was at the time (1960) a small semi-rural community in the North West of England. Not the sort of country boy that can catch and skin rabbits, but I don't freak out if I find a cow in the living room, in fact a few weeks ago, someone carelessly left an elephant on my driveway, it was only a small one but still took a bit of shooing away.

I had two older sisters, they were nearly teenagers when I was born, and my parents were fast approaching middle-age, by the time I hit an age when music became interesting to me I was well versed in Glenn Miller, Patsy Kline, Perry Como, The Rolling Stones and Jimi Hendrix, which serves as an explanation for my ever-growing mp3 collection.

Schooling.

Yes I did get one, not a bad one in fact. While at Grammar School, I had already decided what I wanted to do with my life, I was going to be a Geology Teacher, the subject fascinated me, sometimes to the point of obsession. But then came the years of the teacher strikes and becoming a teacher didn't look as attractive as it once had. Add to that, I had started to discover beer, girls and computers, so I changed direction and ended up with a piece of paper from U.M.I.ST. Saying that I'm not bad with computers.

Of course, this piece of paper being almost 30 years old is pretty much irrelevant now and I am more concerned with smaller, more colourful pieces of paper with numbers on that I receive for still being quite good with computers.

Apart from a brief spell in the world of professional photography, my life has revolved around computers since I left the education system, oh, and beer, and girls.

Thailand, how did I end up here?

I first came to Thailand at the turn of the century on a business trip, yes honestly, it was. But like most business trips the entertainment plays a very important part and I found myself returning three months later, just for the entertainment, and three months again after that.

After around a year and a half of doing that, I ended up visiting Udon Thani (dragged there by a female obviously) and I became exposed to how the rest of the country lives, and sort of liked it a lot, that relationship didn't last long however, as she turned out to be a black hearted bitch with ice in her veins (not that I hold a grudge)

A while later I hooked up with a girl from Buriram, she was much less tainted by the bright city lights. She spent more than a small amount of time with me in the UK and thoroughly enjoyed it. Both of us were more than happy to commute between the two countries for the time being, but then something changed (I'll spare you the details) and in December 2004 I packed all I could carry in to one suitcase, a small piece of hand luggage and a fake leather wallet and said bye bye to the UK.

Sam B Chang

Blanket, check.... Vacuum cleaner, check.... King Cobra, check.

Sitting at my computer desk in my den one day, watching yet another pointless argument in a Thai based internet forum dissolve in to the usual name calling session, I noticed that it was nearly 5pm and my stomach had started to rumble. Having no food in the fridge I decided to venture in to town to see what international culinary delight the local farang bar was going to destroy today.

Closing my den door behind me, I walked through the kitchen and heard a sound that I recognised immediately, plastic bowl on tiled floor, the first thought I had was “the poodle has knocked her dish under one of the units and the mice are back” so I got down on all fours for a quick look, the second thought I had was “Oh crap”...... it had less legs than a mouse, i.e. none, was about two meters longer and shiny.

I thanked whatever god you may believe in that I hadn't just waved my hand around under there and backed away slowly. Now, I know that 80% of the snakes in Thailand are not venomous, but that means that 20% are and there was no way on earth that I was going to lock the house up and drive in to town leaving the beastie inside.

So, what to do? I could ask for help from one of the locals, but if you know what the Thai word is for snake and how fiendishly difficult it is to pronounce, I could only surmise that it would cause much mirth and merriment, but not a lot of action. Or I could try and chase it out myself.

First things first, close all the doors except the kitchen door to the outside, so it only has one way to go, second, something to protect myself, easy, a small but sturdy blanket from one of the beds, thirdly, something to prod it with, something longer than two meters at least.

That morning I had been cleaning the cobwebs from the ceiling, Thai ceilings are quite high and the vacuum cleaner was still propped up in the corner with the extra long nozzle still attached. Five minutes later I'm ready, a Knight in jeans and trainers kneeling on the kitchen floor, a blanket as a shield over one arm and a plastic lance made by Electrolux in the other.

In a flash of brilliance or a moment of insanity depending on you viewpoint, I actually turned on the vacuum cleaner.

I slid the tube underneath the unit very very slowly and it wasn't long before I heard the satisfactory thud and increased motor whine meaning something was stuck on the end of it. I started to withdraw it even more slowly than it went in and my heart sank when the motor noise returned to normal.

The snake did not give me time to think of what to do next and made an appearance. I can only assume that it was a little bit pissed off and quite possibly somewhat embarrassed about being disturbed in this fashion. It came towards me, raised itself off the floor, spread the hood and showed me its fangs, so I now know what sort of snake it is. Remember, I'm kneeling on the flood, so I have a King Cobra literally inches away from my face (like Indiana Jones, but without the sheet of glass) I instantly went from Def-Con Oh Crap to Def-Con Oh F**k, sorry for using that word, but it is the only way to describe it.

I thought, don't stare at it, don't stare at it, I'd read somewhere that was a bad thing to do as they can spit at you. I turned my head to one side cautiously while keeping my eyes on it, I saw the snake look around and examine the situation, it saw the open door leading outside, must have decided that I was too big to eat, lowered itself down and slid gracefully out, and I'm sure I heard it mutter 'prat'

My legs gave way and I became a crumpled mess on the floor, about an hour later I stopped shaking.

I've been in scary situations before, but I can honestly say, that was the first time that I knew what absolute terror felt like, I hope it's also the last.

"Welcome to Isaan, please set your clocks back five hundred years"

Imagine if you will a small hamlet in England, say Sherwood for ease of reference, around the time of Robin Hood. We've all seen the movies so you can picture the scene.

Simple folk who all work the land, raise their own chickens and cows, use oxen to plough the fields and their main form of transport. They live in wooden dwellings with straw roofs and cook on open fires . The common folk pay homage to the village elder, the elder pays homage to the Sheriff who lives in a brick built structure, and the Sheriff pays homage to the King who lives in a palace.

It wasn't that long ago that the North East of Thailand was just like that, certainly much less than the number of years I have spent on this earth so far.

Now imagine the the same place, but almost overnight, give them motorbikes, pick-up trucks, fridge freezers, colour TVs and mobile phones. It makes for a very interesting mix and one that can give you severe brain strain when you first experience it.